V for Vanity

They couldn’t agree for quite a while on a nickname for me – several were thrown around, none of which I knew what they meant (or I promptly forgot), so they finally migrated back to V. While V has no meaning in central Thai, Gai (who is from Bangkok), notes that V means fan in her southern dialect. Putt means to wave, so my name means to wave a fan. Not a bad choice – I can live with this name. Maybe I’ll learn how to do a Geisha fan dance when I get to Japan. We’ll see if the name catches on with the rest of the Movaci crowd. Speaking of which, I earned the right to sleep in tomorrow! As a result of helping the boss move, who says I remind him of Billy Elliot. I am a quarter Scotish, after all. (I think it was actually due to my inability to stop my feet from dancing)

Taught Prae some east coast basics today. When she found out I danced, her reply was something to the effect of “Of, I love dancing!”. When I asked her what kind, she looked askance, thought for a minute, and replied “Freestyle!”. So, we’ll have to take her out clubbing. No appropriate music for swing, though. They asked what type of music you dance swing to, and my reply of swing just brought blank stares. The closest I could describe that they recognized was Michael Buble, so we have quite a ways to go. But it is a start! We’ll see what they think of the lindy hop clips I sent them (Hellzapoppin and ULHS 2006). I am such a Bollywood dance addict. That is part of my ritual when I come home – watching/listening to Kal Ho Naa Ho, Dhoom, Bunti aur Babli, Om Shanti Om, (who is cuter, Deepika or Aishwarya? Or Shahrukh!?). I love the rhythm, the sound, the colors, the Epicness! Oooo, speaking of Epic… I haven’t introduced them to metal yet! Mwahahaha! Oh when the time is right…

I’ve bought a few things since I’ve been here, at the night bazaar and walking street. Let’s see, I picked up two nice, white shirts (Mee says that Thais prefer white and black, and when I pointed at some colorful silk shirts, she rolled her eyes – “Farang!”). Anyhow, that rule apparently doesn’t apply to pants, of which they recommended a crazy green and purple pair – really comfortable, though. It reminds me a bit of the shorts/sweats that were all the rage at one point – the kind that got hiked up really far, and then got the top rolled down. These are a bit different – they are quite large (reminiscent of some forms of sub-saharan African clothing), and they have ties on the back, so you fold the cloth a bit and tie it off, then roll the top over. (This description is completely horrendous, so I will stop, but hopefully you get the picture) I also bought some nice flip flops, a pair of aviators, and a fake Aramani watch (but it was only a few bucks, as was everything else. Good thing I was shopping with Thais – otherwise I would have gotten gouged). Oh, and the watch doesn’t work. For some reason I forgot to check that when I bought it. Oh well, whenever I look at it, I am reminded that ‘hey, I look pretty cool, and hey, I’m on Thai time, so who cares if my watch is always stuck at 12:23 and 14 seconds. And hey, I can always change it to a different time whenever I want.’

I will hopefully be buying a camera soon – My other one, if you remember, gave out trying to take a picture of a hideous piece of modern art. Though, Faeng took some pictures today, so hopefully It’ll be up on facebook at some point. Tech stuff is really expensive here, though. It’s probably 20-40% more expensive than in the states. Compare that with food, which is 20-40% of the cost of food in the states. Oh well, I will want a camera for this trip, and so I might as well bite the bullet.

I should note that I will likely be updating this a little less often in the future. I have decided that after today, I’m not allowed to write a blog unless I have studied Thai for an hour, which on my current schedule is quite demanding. So, expect updates on the weekends (hopefully with pictures), and we’ll go from there. Goodnight all.

Of all the things I would not like to happen to me while standing at a urinal doing my business, a back massage from a random stranger is pretty high up there. Twice in one night takes it a bit higher up the list. It was quite shocking, though in retrospect, it isn’t completely unexpected. I was at a gay club. Mandalay, it’s called. I told Gai I wanted to go dancing, so she took me to a club with lots of dancing, and around the time I noticed the girl with the dress on stage was a dude, she matter-of-factly said ‘oh, yeah, it’s a gay bar’. Well, too late to leave now. I was there for the dancing, and I was going to dance! It’s all solo dancing – and the music, mostly dance, trance, and techno was quite good – hence, safe. Except in the men’s restroom. Oh, and watch your drink.

I could have clued into this being our destination earlier, as we (Gai and Faeng and Mee and I) were hanging out with two gay friends of Gai and Faeng – Susy was the first ones name, but I can’t remember the name of the other (some Thai names are quite hard, even one-syllable ones), even though they go with Gai and I to the gym every day. Anyhow, we had an excellent evening – I danced for probably 2 hours straight, and went crazy when Jai Ho came on. Before this we were at Riverside (Gai has a friend in a band that was playing) – the same place I was at last Saturday, but in the more Thai / less Farang side (fyi, farang sounds like furlong). Interesting little tidbit about drinks in Thailand – they don’t worry about cutting you off when you have had too much. Instead, you can actually order an entire bottle of alcohol (whiskey is big there), so the 6 of us ordered a bottle of scotch, and a bunch of mixers. So they come out with a tray with ice and glasses and coke and fizzy water and normal water, and let us do our thing. The bands there were pretty good, though they basically do all covers of mostly english songs. Good fun, a little dancing, and a nice atmosphere.

Second awkward moment was when I was trying to figure out how to say “come here”. So, I did the obvious and said “Maa Sii”, which I quickly found out can get you slapped. Luckily, I said it to Gai and Faeng and they quickly translated the true connotation, which is basically “Come here and have sex with me.” The better way to say it is “Maa Nii”, which is a bit more polite and lacking any sexual reference, but literally is more like “Come this”, unless I have the tones mixed up, which I assuredly do. Maa also means horse, and dog if you change the tone. I have no idea about different meanings for Nii, but I have a feeling I could easily insult someone.

#3. Apparently in Thailand, it’s not as weird as it is in the U.S. for people to talk about their bowel movements. People sometimes are just like, I’ve really got some diarrhea today. Or, yeah, I’m a little runny today. That is just waaaay to graphic for me. I’ll eat intenstine, but I don’t want to think about what goes on there. Yuck.

On to other things. My weekdays are pretty packed. I start work at 9:00, though we enjoy each others’ company and eat together quite often, including breakfast – which usually gets us there around 8:45 or so. Breakfast in Thailand is generally like any other meal, though maybe with rice porridge (with eggs and pork). However, due to the large number of Farang in the office, we can have eggs, toast, waffles, coffee, etc. All of the Farang are men (thus implying that all women in the office are Thai), and there is quite a bit of both English and Thai in the office, though with some translation for me when necessary. Well, except when they’re talking about me. Thai speakers don’t use pronouns as often as we do, but often include nouns or names instead, so I hear David… David… Puchai (man), etc. Laughing ensues, which the proper response is to smile. Smiling seems to be the best response to anything in Thailand. If you are happy, you smile. You smile in greeting. When you are extremely embarrassed, you smile. If you just dented someones car you smile in apology (which can easily be misconstrued by Farang to mean “heh, I just dented your car. How do you like them apples?!”), though that is probably added to a definitive Wai (kind of like bowing).

We have lunch together, work until 6, and then go to the gym. I get a ride to work with Faeng, and afterwards I come back with either her or Gai, who lives in the same apartment complex. As do Ann and Prae. Anyhow, we either go see Gai’s daughter Niki after work, who is adorable and has all the energy you’d expect out of a dekpuying (little girl). We did some juggling today – it was quite enjoyable. She hasn’t learned much English in school yet, so we mostly communicate by charades, but it’s fun nonetheless. Then from there Gai and I and Susy and the other guy and sometimes Niki will head off to the Gym, and we’ll often run into Ann, Prae, Mee, and James there as well. At 1000 Baht a month (about $30), the gym membership is quite expensive for Thailand, but this is an excellent excuse to get in shape finally. Especially with the Seattle marathon (26.2 miles) looming on the horizon. My goal before leaving Chiang Mai is to run up the mountain to the famous Wat (temple) and back, which is round trip 16 miles or so, but that will probably kill, since it is just solid hill. (Though, I should add that Freshman at Chiang Mai University run up as part of their initiation – it’s good luck). So hopefully, the combination of swimming, cycling, running, stretching, and lifting (and sauna-ing) at the gym will allow me to do that, without injuring me in the process. And of course after all this, we eat a ton of food that completely negates the workout, and then waddle home.  I have found that regardless of what time we get to the gym, we never leave before 9:00, and I don’t get home after that before 11:00, so it’s leaves little time for dilly-dally at my apartment, and little time for tea or thai or writing or blogging. If only I didn’t need sleep.

Helped the boss move today – he’s pretty cool, and is one of those sleep not required sort of individuals. Getting there was an instance of Thai time – one of the hardest things to adjust to here. I thought I was late because I woke up late (due to being out dancing until 4 am). We were planning to leave at 9:30 and be there at 10:00 to help move. I was ready at 9:45, we left at 10:00, did some random errands on the way, and got there around 11:30. But we actually weren’t late. Luckily, the contractors (Christopher and Boom had the house built, and it is quite beautiful), who were supposed to be finished by then, were also on Thai time. Or maybe unfortunately, since we had nothing to do until 7:00 or so except eat lunch, drink Chang and Singha (both beer. Chang means Elephant, and is a bit cheaper. The alcoholic content ranges from 2-7% depending on the bottle), eat more: Mee and I walked to a cafe up the street and had cheesecake, chocolate, and espresso. And then we had dinner. Eating is probably one of our favorite pasttimes. Or maybe it’s our only pasttime. A little passing note on beer. Apparently, it’s not unusual to see someone driving with a bottle of Chang in one hand. Huh. Still need to write about Thai driving at some point.

But I must be going. I need to be up in not too long to go to a Thai church tomorrow, and then we will finish the moving project. And then walking street, and maybe even a Thai massage. Mmmmmmm

There are many dangers in Thailand. The heat, the humidity. Crazy drivers, motorcyclists, and Farang (foreigner) drivers (these are the real danger) are likely to hit you if you are stupid, or careless, or if they feel like it (Farang). There’s also the danger of being on a motorcycle, or in a car for that matter, with all the weaving in and out of traffic, flying around blind corners, etc. But I’ve only seen one impact – at about 5 mph. And (shock!), it involved a Farang.

Then there’s the mosquitos. Not crazy big ones like you’re imagining. Small enough that you can’t actually see them or hear them buzzing. Yet they bite you. Phantom mosquitos. Have at thee! From them you can get wonders like Dengue Fever and Malaria. But don’t think of fleeing, say for Myanmar or Laos, even though they are quite near by. There’s more mosquitos there, a clear and present danger.

Then there’s food poisoning. Meat might be undercooked, left out for who knows how long, or it might just be intestines or jellied pig blood (which aren’t bad, by the way). Eggs, for instance, aren’t refrigerated at the supermarket. Yet people take them home and put them in their refrigerator. And somehow they become safe again? Fruit, while seemingly harmless, is actually worse. Pesticides are intense here, and fruit just isn’t clean, so it must be thoroughly washed (preferably peeled). Oh yeah, and the water isn’t clean, so washing won’t do any good. Unless you opt for bottled water, which of course everyone does. But how do I know that water wasn’t bottled from the tap?!? Well, I haven’t died yet, and I’m sure I’ll get sick at some point (it’s a fact of my anatomy (or perhaps fate), that I get sick once whenever I travel – the worst was pneumonia in Greece), so I guess it doesn’t pay to freak out. Which I certainly am not. Though I will freak out if I don’t find somewhere to dance soon! Maybe Som or Gai would like to go to the Blues club, which I don’t actually know the name of. And I digress. Back to DANGERS!

Poisoning, Malaria, Roadkill, Heat Stroke, Lightning – Forget all of that!

The real danger, for me at least, is drowning. I don’t mean drowning in the river, or in a drunken stupor in a bowl of Tom Yum Ghoon, or even in a monsoonish downpour after being lightning-struck. I mean at the gym pool. Yes, the 5 feet deep variety. I always knew I was a bad swimmer, and the last couple of days trying to swim has proved that, but the crux of it all, is that I just can’t keep my mouth shut. I have swallowed so much pool water (make that inhaled), and the solution is really elementary. But theory proves difficult in practice. I am sure that when I do get sick, it’ll be from too much pool water. Regardless, I hope that I can learn to close my mouth before attempting the butterfly stroke again! (Of course, I’m not actually sure if I’m doing that stroke right. It might just be coordinated drowning)

Tonight I will close with a little piece of a larger puzzle. I got a new Movaci ID card today. It no longer says “Authorized Guest”, but is titled “Chief Hacker”. If they only knew the truth… If only you did…

Once again I am home around 11:30 pm, and mostly exhausted. After going to the gym today, we went off to the night bazaar and had an errand to run before heading home. But first there a few questions that need answering. When did you go to the gym? Who is we? And what cool, overpriced tourist junk did you buy at the night bazaar?

In order to answer this in the most round-about way possible, I’m going to digress a bit. Last entry, I said I was not going to talk about what I do at work. This is only partially true. I will tell the hours I go to work, what my coworkers are like, and why I accidentally stole cake from the cafe downstairs, but I may or may not tell you WHY there is a cafe downstairs, and certainly not what I actually do when I’m working, but anyhow, here we go with another digression.

I live in the south-east of Chiang Mai, about a 15 mintue walk from my work. This is purely theoretical, as no one actually walks here. They drive, or ride motorcycles, or take tuk-tuks (little three-wheeled taxis), or buses (actually, trucks with canopys and seats). One day, which I think was Saturday, because this was about 2:00 in the afternoon, when I am normally at my desk, and instead I was taking a walk/run into the city to meet up with Tee (Faifan’s younger brother, who is studying mechanical engineering at Chiang Mai University). This being purefly tangential to any of the initial questions, I suppose you can skip to the end if you want the answers… if I end up deciding to put them there.

It was longer than I expected, being only about 3 kilometers on the map, but then it was 30 degrees (85 F) and about 90 percent humidity. Also, there really aren’t sidewalks. Roads really have any combination of the following things: lanes, cars, lots of motorcycles, occasional cyclists, roadsides (which motorcycles also drive on), walls/barricades/houses/giant trees with sashes on them, and places where people sell food on their carts. If there was a sidewalk, it would be where the carts are, but they are there. And even when they aren’t, the ground is rather unfit for anything except making you fall as soon as your eyes are off it (faster than you can blink). They’re kind of like weeping angels in that regard, except no time travel. Still hurts like a bugger, though. Next time I’ll have to write about how drivers are crazy, but we’ll get to that.

Anyhow, to cut the story short by a bit, I hung out with Tee that afternoon (and met his mother as well) and we went to walking street, which is like the night bazaar, only cheaper goods and less tourists. Basically, a mile or so of street vendors, selling various wares – roasted pork dumplings, black slimy drinks (kind of like bubble tea, except instead of tapioca, you get jellish worms about the color of onyx – good stuff!), psychedelic paintings, statues of elphants, buddhas, lots of pictures of the king (who is about 85, and extremely revered by the people, especially in the midst of all the turmoil), silk gowns, soap carvings, T-shirts, …

We also walked through the flower district, and through a large inner market, which smelled absolutely rank (I think mainly due to the mix of fresh and dried seasfood and other meats). Coffee is mostly the same here, though not as much variety in the roast. I should say that espresso is close to the Seattle standards. For standard coffee, they usually go instant coffee with lots of sugar and milk. To quote Bear Grylls, “That’s not my favorite.” Granted, he was drinking his own urine when he said that.

We ended up going to Riverside, a great eatery with live music down by the river (shock!). And we brought in our own bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label Whisky (there is a cockage charge, but still much cheaper than ordering there, and seems fairly standard practice for Thais. It’s the Farang (foreigners) who pay too much for alcohol), met up with a bunch of Som’s friends from Bangkok and feasted on some really good Thai food (Som didn’t actually make it to dinner). Tee, being 19, was legal to drink, but couldn’t go to the next place, Wahma, a huge party/dance/music/alcohol/college scene – which he thought I should go to (it was quite fun, and an experience). By the time we were done listening to the band at Riverside, everyone except Tee had departed, and Som had just arrived. I suppose I haven’t told you anything about Som. Som means Orange. There you go.

Oh, yes, and Som happens to be Tee’s (and Faifan’s) sister. And there is no mistaking that. Som and Fai look incredibly alike. So Tee went home and the two of us went to Warma (Thai has no official transliteration into English, so I spell it how I feel like it at the moment). Quite impressive – several rooms with music, lights, packed with people (mostly university students, several bars, and WATCH your drink! Don’t even think about setting it down – I’d be scared of getting ruffied. But the music was good and the place was really alive. And had the distinct smell of teen spirit. Yes, I own that album. Yes, I know that song was written against the kind of pop culture I was enjoying at that moment. Oh well, ironic choice of words, I suppose.

I’m out of time (I’ll try to answer those questions next time), so I bid you good night – as good a night as that one was. Which was the first time in a while a girl has bought me drinks. But not the first time in a while I’ve been hit on by a transvestite. I spotted that one, though. Hips don’t lie.

Welcome to the musings of David Michael Slater, the Captain of Vanity.

I have recently arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand, for a 10 week internship with the company Movaci, http://th.movaci.com/home.php , who does a variety of security-focused IT solutions for various organizations throughout SE Asia. I would hate to add the cliche “I can tell you, but I’d have to kill you” to any questions about what I do, but it’s more or less true. Security through Obscurity.

If you would like to mail me anything while I am in Chiang Mai, write to:

David Slater
PO 3
Changklan Road T. Changklan A. Muang
Chiang Mai 50101
Thailand

I’ll be there until September 1st, after which I will be off to Bangkok for a few days, and then 3 weeks of visiting Tom in Shizuoka, Japan. Right on the heels of that will Seattle and PhD stuff. Anyhow, the purpose of this paragraph was to inform you, the possible sender of mail, to ensure that it gets to me in Thailand before September 1st, or it may be lost in the sands of time.

On future posts I hope to upload some pictures, but I will have to buy a new camera as the current one stopped working after taking pictures of some painfully abstract art in Spain (it took the first picture, which I actually liked, but when I attempted to take a picture of a horribly wretched one for the purpose of documentation, it decided death was a better option), leaving me in the current situation. And cameras are expensive here! More on that topic later. And it’s already after midnight – I should depart.

I will be updating this on a hopefully regular basis, but I wanted to take my leave with a little bit of Thai culture. Here, people don’t go by their first or last names except in formal occasions, but by a one syllable nickname which translates to something like Chicken, or Green, or Orange, or some other random such thing. Anyhow, my coworkers decided that I should have a Thai nickname, because David was too long, Vanity was much too long, and I don’t remember why Dave didn’t work. Anyhow, I thought for a moment and thought that “V” might be a good fit (of course, short for Vanity). (note: “V” doesn’t have a matching phoneme in Thai. The closest their language has to offer is “W”, “B” and “Y”) Their reply was that it would never work – and that they would give me a nickname after they knew me a bit better (I’ve been here since Thursday, so about 6 days). Their reasoning – “Thai names must have meaning, and V is meaningless!” I guess they just don’t yet understand the meaning of Vanity.